![[header]] # Thoughts On Forgiveness Forgiveness is a [[Our Core Practices|Core Practice]] in Love First: <nobr>[[Forgive Freely And Widely]]</nobr>. Some things I have learned about forgiveness: ## Forgiveness is for you, not them Many, perhaps most of us, are taught at a young age that when we do something wrong or hurtful, the other person has to forgive us for our transgression. Often, this comes as the concluding step after we make our [[How To Properly Apologize|Apology]]. But forgiveness as a Practice is not about making the other person feel better; if we “forgive” them for their wrongdoing, but continue to feel hurt and biased against them for what they did, then we have not actually practiced forgiveness, we have merely accepted their apology and absolved them. Forgiveness is for ourselves, to let go of the pain and allow ourselves to move on with life. ## Forgiveness does not absolve the other party from accountability You can forgive someone *and* still want to hold them accountable for their actions. Forgiveness is about my acceptance that it happened, that I understand the motivations or thinking (or lack thereof) behind your actions, and that I have come to a place of peace about this reality, however unfortunate it may be. Forgiveness is not a synonym for accountability, nor is it about absolving you of it. If I forgive you, that doesn’t mean you can go back to your old behaviors and conduct. Accountability is when you genuinely acknowledge the harm you caused, commit to a clear path of improvement going forward, and demonstrate changed behavior. Depending on the nature of the harm and the significance of the conflict, accountability may include reparations. Forgiveness does not absolve the transgressing party of accountability; it is for you, not them. ## To forgive is to not use the transgression as leverage When a person makes a mistake or causes harm, it is easy to hold that over their heads. Forgiveness says not to keep score, and not to keep track of the incident over time and allowing it to color your interactions with that person. To forgive is to recognize the humanity of the other person as being as fallible as your own, to recognize that [[Nothing Human Is Alien To Me|Nothing Human Is Alien To You]]. To forgive means to let go of using a transgression as leverage, as a form of power to control or manipulate the other over time. ## To forgive is to release your own connection to the pain When we hold grudges, we maintain an energetic cord to that person, and to the grievance(s) they have caused us. The former taints our opinions and interpretations of the person's every move and action; the latter keeps the pain they caused alive in us and turns it into trauma over time. Forgiveness is to release these two energetic cords for your own benefit. To forgive means to allow yourself to see the other person for who they are today, not for what they made you feel in the past. And to forgive means to release your own connection to the memory of the pain you experienced, freeing up your heart and soul to care more fully, deeply, and meaningfully. The memory of it happening is not intrinsically tied to the pain you experienced when it happened, but it *can* feel that way whenever you think about it. To forgive, then, is [[What It Means To Embody|To Embody]] decoupling the visceral *experience* of the pain from the intellectual *memory* of it. Forgiveness is for you, not them. ![[footer]]